i think he* stopped calling because i never learned to ‘smile.’
like your boss at work tells you when you’re zoning out at customers.
i’m giving you a hand job but (i told you) i’m not what you want me to be. when you come all vulnerable etc you look me in the eyes like
“why are you looking at me like that?”
you didn’t say i had to congratulate you too.
fascinated at his world without consequences.
he wants to be loved but he also wants to feel powerful enough to come inside of an 18 year old (he doesn’t use condoms). he says ‘the only way I want to hear about a baby is if it’s mine and we’re keeping it.’ but you’re also kindof having fun – your friends feel sorry for you.
he says he loves you and then gives you his leftovers for dinner and free alcohol (tells you which wine is which) you didn’t ask for so you owe it to him to love him too. you’re ‘liberated’ so you didn’t assume he was getting you drinks to lay some claim to ownership. he gets drunk and complains about the ‘friend zone.’ i guess what did you think he wanted of course all guys just want to sleep with you – your friends think you’re a slut. then you assume everyone wants to sleep with you and you’re a narcissistic bitch, and a slut.
he’s just a little messed up because people assume he has something interesting to say, instead of you – pretty and dumb.
He always wants you. He ignores your obvious hesitation, so you can’t just say no. He’s somehow always there to fuck when you’re horny or lonely, but you wonder if that’s not just his duty as a man.
He’s simple, pretends he’s no frills, works with his hands.
he’s your brother or your dad or your friend and he demands to know absolutely everything about who hurt you/who took advantage of you/who put a baby in you that made you never want the cock and never want a baby so he can get angry and make it all about himself.
You’d rather not go into it. Your mom says you should let him help. Should you ask him if you have to?
He always lets you talk.
The word lesbian always feels like an insult.
his love life could be so easy it’s retarded that he doesn’t understand.
meanwhile you’re still confusing being high on free coke with caring about him for a second, and feeling like an idiot. then you get scared that maybe he’s insane. or going to give you aids, or something else really dark. something bad should’ve happened by now.
you wanna be a tease and a total prostitute and always horny and really good at sex while you’re still young enough, before you’re old enough to know (or to blame). you came your first time cause you’ve been doing kegals since you were 12 – that’s initiative. you’re turned on by the idea that grownups get turned on by you and your friends, you want them to show you the real world.
you want it to try to mess with you like you’ve assumed it will but never truly felt. you get off to memories where he holds you down and fucks you, when you were 17 and gave head to a cab driver, that video on slutload of the passed out girl getting fucked at a party – you want to know where that horniness comes from – then you feel guilty when you cum. you want to be one of those girls. you want them to masturbate, and want to be you like you want and want to be the other girls.